Creeping clarity.

Creeping despair, clarity, false ruin or ruined fully.

At a loss in a curse and cursing my self loathing.

Bad night, bad dreams, bad dreams and days of dreaming of daydreams.

A wish, a want.

I'm lacking yearning, learning of a new need.

I'll heed, but never achieve and grieve my underachieving ways in my end days in the coming years.

Cast all fears aside as I ride my dwindling hopes and watch my star, fallen, fizzle out like an ember in the cold rain of the frosty tears fallen from a strangers ghastly, wind worn, storm torn eyes that inward turned, told of this old, bold souls, sorry, insane calls and crying out in silence and in vane angst running hot in fire red veins with liquid rose-rain wishes.

A lost cause, no one, never-was who will never be, but to be forgot,

Still fight for a spot at the top of the shit pile,

At least the top of rot

is closer to the light and someone seeing my struggle to never stop fighting to do right.

Even though every move made is wrong.

Just singing out of key,

It's not even the same song the people are singing.

I never learned the lyrics.

My ears eternally ringing from the silence in my head,

I'm stuck with my conscious but my Id has hid,

Or gone to bed.

I sit alone with sorrow, a heavy weight as lead.

My life, a twisted track and I'm the train running off.

Feeling awfully so often lying.

There's got to be something different for me...

Besides pills and rum to dumb down and drown out the memories

that seem to ever last inside of me.

Just a reason of my relapse, perhaps.

It's coming on, hoping it passes like a season.

To cease to breathe in would begin a path of self wrath.

Revenge on my being for being this thing that never foresaw a downfall, knowing he'd never rise up.

Not even with a fist to the sky.

Chin held high to the sky shooting for cloud nine.

A destiny that was never mine.

Decency always hard to see.

Life's always to hard to be kind to me.

So I don't mind asking...

Why do I have to be me?